textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
third nipple confirmed
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
