So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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