My Higher Power is John Stamos
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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