So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
