Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize