I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
We smell like vodka and hangover
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