connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
