tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
