Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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