I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
