my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
