im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
