Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Randomize
