Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
