I think my fart just growled at me.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
