Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
