I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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