I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Randomize
