lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
