i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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