i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
