ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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