1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
