He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
