omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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