Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Is it because I queefed?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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