ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
