He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
