my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
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