I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
