i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
