the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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