ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
