:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
