She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
