you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
