Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
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