I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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