The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
