A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
