gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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