Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
