grandma shit on top of the toilet
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
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