I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
