My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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