he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
