alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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