I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Randomize
