What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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