I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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