Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Randomize
