Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
