You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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