We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize