Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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