I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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