I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
