I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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