my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
