Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
