I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
